From not eating, to fad diets and skinny tea to now...
I am finally at a point in my life where I happy with who I am. I am confident in my skin, in my opinions and I am just living for me. I exercise and eat well to feel great, not because my life is dictated by a number on a scale or by what I think society demands from me. It’s taken till 26, till really becoming a Mum in actual fact for me to finally understand what really matters and it isnt the size of my clothes but how I feel in them.
The journey to this point has been a long one. A roller coaster of weight gains and weight losses. One of eating disorders, starvation, binging and utter disdain of the reflection in the mirror. I can honestly say that all changed now but that’s why I feel it’s the right time share a little of my history with you all!
I always remember feeling “fat” as a child. As a 10 year old I didn’t want to be in my bathers around people and I specifically remember avoiding a role in the school play that was a beach scene. Looking back on photos, I was not even remotely chubby. I have no idea why I felt this way from on early age. It saddens me terribly that even as a child my life was governed by how I look and that currently other kids out there are probably feeling the same way.
It wasn’t until I was 15 that my obsession with food really started to manifest. I slowly started cutting out bread, pasta, all processed foods and then I cut out fruit...because you know...sugar! I feared everything. For a whole year I didn’t eat anything during the day. It was easy to lie to my parents about not having lunch. I would eat next to nothing for dinner, or eat enough dinner for 3 people. I was exercising like a machine. Running and walking everywhere I could. I was thin to say the least. The weight I went down to doesn’t matter now but I was far from healthy. Who knows how far I would have taken it if it wasn’t for a knee injury. I couldn’t run for months and I started gaining weight from the little food I was eating. It’s like a switch flicked and I started eating again. A blessing in disguise.
I was far from happy though. Always seeking out the next weight loss secret. Skinny tea, lemon water, diet pills. For a few weeks I would reach what I believed was the ‘perfect’ figure for me but it was unattainable and I would always regain the weight. I became heavily involved in weight training. Something I will be forever grateful for. It taught me that I need to eat. If I didn’t eat I couldn’t train. If I didn’t eat I felt weak. If I skipped meals my workout would suffer. Although I was grateful for this it also meant that my obsessive nature could once again rear its ugly head and I counted calories and macro nutrients like it was going out of fashion. I could tell you the calories in anything. It was a typically gym diet; focusing on the protein and then a big dirty cheat meal once a week. In terms of physical my body was strong, and I was fueling it correctly, or so I thought at the time. Mentally though I would think about food all day. What I can eat, what I can’t, how much it weighed and what macros I was eating. My brain wouldn't let the food thoughts rest - I was obsessed.
When I was pregnant I ate everything and anything in sight. But I never over ate, I just had no rules. Something I had never experienced. After giving birth I no longer craved anything sweet, and as I have previously mentioned a lot of gut and health issues started to arise. So with a lot of research and planning I implemented changes to turn to a plant based diet.
It was until I decided to turn to a plant based diet that I felt truly liberated in what I was eating. All of sudden I wasn’t eating certain foods for weight loss, but to feel great. To ensure that my body felt reenergised and was fuled with natural beautiful foods. I embraced all the fruit again, and fell in love with all things vegan. I no longer count calories. I can trust that what I’m putting my body is full of nutrients and will make me feel great for the day ahead.
I am finally at a place where I am not ruled by food. I love food. It’s a healthy relationship now and I couldn’t be happier. I only hope that anyone else who has struggled with eating disorders, unhealthy weight and body obsession either seek the help they need or find the right information to help themselves. The mind is such a powerful tool and it can either work against us or for us. Finally my mind and I are on the same team, Vegan isn’t a fad - it’s completely transformed my life.